Is It Wrong to Ask My Retired Mom for Financial Help?

Really Doing Something Wrong

Dear Wealth Wise: My husband and I are in our 40s with three kids. Life is expensive. We often ask my 72-year-old mom to help with costs like summer camp and after-school care. My dad passed six years ago and they saved a lot — probably a few million if I had to guess. Her home is paid off and she has few expenses. We need camp and after-school care so we can work. These are not luxuries; they’re necessities, and we can’t afford them on our own right now. My aunt says we’re taking advantage and that my mom should spend her money on herself in retirement. We’re honest with my mom about what the money is for (our kids do go to a nicer camp, not the cheaper ones). Are we really doing something wrong? I’m an only child and any money she doesn’t spend in her lifetime probably goes to me anyway. — Stretched Thin

Dear Stretched Thin: In the coming years, trillions of dollars will be passed down as part of the Great Wealth Transfer. But some well-off parents would rather give with warm hands and help their grown children financially when they truly need it, such as when they’re deep in the trenches of childcare expenses.

Reader Potentially Taking Advantage

Here, our reader is clearly blessed with a well-off mother who’s generous with her resources. But is her aunt butting in for no good reason, or does she have a point about our reader potentially taking advantage? Here’s what the experts have to say.

Recognize that there’s actual concern for your mother

Ullmann Wealth Partners

When you’re struggling financially, your mother is equipped to help, and your aunt keeps making unwelcome comments about the situation, it’s easy to see how tensions might escalate. But one thing to realize is that your aunt’s comments may not be intended as snide, says Will Haga, CFA and Wealth Advisor at Ullmann Wealth Partners.

"It is important to take a step back and put yourself in your aunt’s shoes and realize that she is approaching this with concern for your mother," he insists. "Your aunt’s primary concern is making sure that your mother can live a meaningful life while planning for future costs, such as long-term care."

Haga Explains

As Haga explains, a 72-year-old woman could easily have 20 or more years of retirement to fund. And, he warns, "A single extended stretch of assisted living or in-home care can run well into six figures a year in many areas, and that kind of cost can erode the 'few million' quicker than you think."

Understand what the numbers look like on both sides

Easily Afford Childcare Costs

Maybe your mother can easily afford childcare costs like a nice camp. But if you don’t know for sure, Haga says, then that’s an important conversation to have.

"'Probably a few million' is a large range, and getting more detail on her balances, income, expenses, and plans for long-term care will help you understand the impact of today’s financial decisions," he advises.

Feels Comfortable Giving

Haga also thinks it’s best to work with your mother to arrive at a concrete amount she feels comfortable giving each year.

"Having a predefined number allows your mother to plan for the expense, allows you and your husband to budget accordingly, and removes the stress from the process," he explains. "I would plan to review this amount annually and give your mom the opportunity to make changes."

Victory Private Wealth LLC

Brandon Agamennone, CRPC and wealth management adviser at Victory Private Wealth LLC, agrees that having an open conversation is key.

"The biggest mistake families make is treating financial support as an unspoken expectation instead of an intentional decision," he says. "I would encourage the conversation to shift from 'Can you help us?' to 'What role do you want your money to play in your family's life?'"

Brandon Agamennone

"Financial gifts should remain gifts — not obligations." — Brandon Agamennone

Agamennone says it’s also important for your mother to understand the "why" behind her financial gifts. She should figure out whether helping brings her joy or feels like an obligation.

Dependent Care FSAs Available

Before asking your mother for money, make sure you are maximizing any Dependent Care FSAs available to you or you